Ancient Ming Force-Fed Food Additives To Hyperactivate

September 16, 2007 · Filed Under Lampoon, News, Politics · Comment 

The ancient Chinese newsagent who heads the Liberal Democrats has been advised to eat and drink a lot of children’s food in the coming weeks in order to ensure that he appears hyperactive in case Gordon Brown calls a snap election.

The Independent has this:

The Liberal Democrat leader, Sir Menzies Campbell, has been told to make himself look “hyperactive” in the coming weeks in case there is a general election this autumn, a secret strategy memo leaked to The Independent on Sunday reveals.

The private memo for Sir Menzies and his senior lieutenants, written by Edward Davey MP, his chief of staff, advises him that he must not avoid confronting the issue of his age with voters and must stress his “experience” and his “judgement”.

It is thought that Sir Menzies “Ming the Merciless” Campbell has refused to wear a hoodie and “rap” his contributions at Prime Minister’s Questions, but has agreed to be fed unlimited quantities of artificially coloured fizzy drinks and processed foods laden with colours and preservatives in order to appear, if not hyperactive, at least alive.

A recent survey showed that 80 percent of the LibDems and 93 percent of the general population thought that Ming had already ‘gone to the other side’, although this may have been construed to mean ‘joined Gordon Brown’s government of all the (marginal to invisible) talents’.

Ming himself was said to have responded: “Whatever! Do I look bovvered?” before slipping from his zimmer-frame and breaking his hip.

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UK Human Cloning Success

September 8, 2007 · Filed Under Lampoon · Comment 

A government spokesperson today confirmed that the human cloning experiment which the government has overseen for the last ten years has finally been proved to work.

“We can now see, particularly in young people, a split into the two categories which we have ’seeded’. Whereas before teenagers and students could be relied upon to be politically motivated and aware, even if somewhat naive, we now have two distinct groups. The ones who are planning their lives in five year stages and are even now topping up their pension funds, who we call the wheeler-dealers, and the hoodie drug dealers and users, who provide manual labour and we call the detritus.

The upper group in terms of achievement will go on to earn a lot of money, simply because they think it is their right. The lower group will perform the menial functions which we need to keep society running and have been engineered so that they think they have no rights. Obviously, in due course, they won’t have any.

It is much easier to look to the future where the clones are split simply into these two immovable groups, rather than the messy multi-tier social structure we had before.

It is an experiment of which New Labour can be justifiably proud.

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Britain To Criminalise Poor

August 31, 2007 · Filed Under Lampoon · Comment 

In a new move to tackle the crime wave sweeping through Britain, the government is proposing to make all poor people criminals.

Lord Marmaduke Killejoye, the government minister concerned said this:

“We are really just trying to formalise in law what has actually been the case for many years. Everyone knows that poor people are the root cause of crime and social disorder.

Nice middle class people who are attractive and dress well and drive nice cars and live in nice houses do not commit crimes. It follows that if we can criminalise and jail the real troublemakers, we can have a more pleasant society for those who actually earn the right to the better things in life.

It also means that we can speed up the justice system and save money, because in a case where a working-class poor person is in dispute with someone who is middle class, we can immediately imprison the poor person without having to waste court time. This actually is how the system works at the present time, but we want to see it enacted as law.

Asked whether he thought the law would actually get passed, he said this:

There is no reason to think not. It is what people want.

It was an idea which Mrs Thatcher toyed with and as she is the spiritual leader of New Labour, we do not see there being much likelihood of this being opposed by either of the main parties.

Tommy Spong, a homeless freelance traditional glue-sniffer said this:

Yeah, seems like the right idea to me. I hate poor people, me.

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